People ask for a lactation consultant’s help for lots of different reasons. We often see people at one of the most difficult times in their lives. They might be damaged and in pain and feeling really desperate. Positioning and attachment problems are a common issue.
Sometimes we can see immediately how things could be improved and after just a few minutes, a mum might feel more comfortable. A look of relief passes across her face. I’ve had mums say things like, “This is the first time it’s ever felt like this.” Or they don’t even need to say anything as their stress just falls away.
Many many times, towards the end of one of these sessions (where I’m feeling really good about what I do and slightly smug), a mum then says, “But what would I do if I was feeding outside the house. How would this work if I wasn’t sitting here?”
She’s overcome an enormous obstacle and the next problem for her immediately pops into her head.
I see these comments as a positive. It suggests she feels like she’s making progress and feels her major difficulties are behind her but it does reveal just how the subject of breastfeeding outside the home nibbles at the mind of many new mums.
I think most of us know that mothers and babies are not allowed to be discriminated against on the grounds of breastfeeding. Their access to businesses and services is not allowed to be restricted. You are not allowed to ask them to move on or to stop. It’s not complicated. It really isn’t. The Equality Act 2010 protects mums in England and Wales. In Scotland, it is a criminal act to stop anyone breastfeeding up until the age of two: http://www.legislation.gov.uk/asp/2005/1/contents
But the law doesn’t automatically change how people feel.
The idea of breastfeeding in a public place feels scary when the whole breastfeeding things feels new and you are getting used to your body behaving unpredictably.
A Start4Life poll showed that 72% of the UK population ‘support’ breastfeeding in public. But yet a third of mums still feel uncomfortable.
Media love a story of a breastfeeding mum being harassed. And there’s no doubt that there ARE some poorly educated employees and members of the public sailing beyond the law and embarrassing themselves regularly. But these stories make headlines precisely because they are rare and juicy. If 72% support breastfeeding in public, a heck of a lot more really aren’t that bothered. And I’ll bet in the tiny group that are bothered, most will mumble an internal dialogue that the mother doesn’t pick up on.
Yet it doesn’t stop it feeling scary even when we know the statistics.
In my years of breastfeeding, I have fed all around the world – on planes, trains, mountain-sides, cafes, doorsteps, bus stops – and not ONCE have I ever received a negative comment or glance or been asked to stop. The response has either been warm and supportive or indifferent. I have spoken to many experienced breastfeeding mums and breastfeeding counsellors and none of them have ever received a negative comment (and actually quite a few wish they had as they would have loved to have snapped something back).
Yet it doesn’t stop it feeling scary even when experienced breastfeeding mums tell you not to worry and in their experience everything is fine.
Acknowledge what is the scary bit for YOU.
What is the thing that you are really really worried about? Deep deep down. The thing that worries you won’t necessarily be the thing that worries your friend.
Are you worried about people seeing your breasts?
People seeing your new baby tummy?
People seeing milk dripping or spraying?
People seeing you in pain?
Not having your stuff with you?
Are you worried about people saying something negative?
Or about people looking?
Depending on what you worry is, you might address the problem differently.
What is the absolute worst thing that would happen in your worst nightmare? Imagine it. How is it likely to go?
For someone, it might be the middle aged bloke yelling across the room that it is disgusting that you are breastfeeding outside the home and he doesn’t want to see that. I think we all know that’s bloody unlikely to happen but what happens then in your nightmare? Does everyone rise out of their chairs with pitchforks and move towards you with threatening expressions on their faces?
Is that what happened in that internet story someone posted on your birth group? I bet actually someone came to the mum’s defence: the bloke on the train who protected her or the employees in the bowling alley who formed a line and threw the bloke out (and several of these videos are set up by actors to test public reaction and get a nice bit of internet clickbait by the way).
The new mum would have felt scared but she probably also felt protected by those around her and angry on behalf of her baby rather than upset.
If it’s more likely that you are worried about looks, don’t look around the room. Why should you? I remember when my own son was less than 6 months old and I was feeding him in a café in an unfamiliar town, I scanned the room before I started. I clocked a man across the room chatting to a friend and when I was feeding, I looked over again. Why did I do that? What on earth was I doing? Almost certainly giving off a nervous vibe which is the sort of vibe an unkind person might sometimes thrive on. As it happened, the café customer I had first clocked called across, “you’re alright love. Good on ya.” OK, that was pretty embarrassing too as it happens but I expect he had felt obliged because he sensed I was nervous.
I once spoke to a mum who took off her glasses when she fed to stop her being tempted to look around. It’s probably not going to help the breastfeeding if you’re nervous so just give your focus to your baby for that moment. They will latch on more easily and oxytocin is more likely to happen.
Is the scary thing actually about being outside of the house with a new baby? I think for many people the nightmare is not the pitchforks or a weird shouting person but it’s that you will have a crying screaming loud baby and you won’t be able to sort it out. They might get themselves in such a frazzle that they can’t even latch on. And then what would you do?
At home, you try some skin-to-skin or walk around for a bit and try another room. You are not disturbing anyone else unless you have thin walls and neighbours who are home.
But in a café there are people EVERYWHERE and VERY CLOSE. People wanting to relax and talk to others. People with their own stresses. And YOU are making so much noise.
I promise that everyone in that room is feeling sorry for you and wishing they could help. We are British and get embarrassed so our embarrassment and discomfort FOR you might look like edginess for other reasons but we really just wish we could help.
That’s not about breastfeeding really, it’s just about fear of loss of control.
The solution? Have a baby for longer. After a few more weeks and months, it feels easier. Babies still cry but you feel better about not being able to retain control.
Choose places to go where you know you could escape if you really needed to. Go with people who offer you emotional support.
Who you have with you when you breastfeed outside the home in the early days is really important.
Go to a café with your partner or your mum to practise. Meet your NCT group in a friendly library space and tell them if you are worried. The test of a great post-natal group is the one where you don’t have to pretend you are sailing through this parenting experience and you are allowed to say when you need help. See if you can find some friends that don’t always meet outside the home.
Being a new parent can feel like a constant cocktail party. Just when you feel least up to it, you are trying to develop new friendships and work out what place these new people will have in your lives. And your house is a complete heap too. Here’s another test of a post-natal group: people are OK to come to each other’s houses and sit on piles of washing and not care. It doesn’t always have to be Starbucks.
If you are in Starbucks, it’s not just who you are with, the way you breastfeed helps too.
I’ve met mums who say that they don’t want to use a cushion at home because they won’t have one when they are out and about. Sod that. If you want to use a cushion, use a cushion! Be as comfortable as you can for each breastfeed that you do. There’s no point in making strict rules about these things.
Babies change shape really quickly – all over their bodies. They get heavier and their heads move differently for starters. But WE change shape too. I’ve supported mums who find breastfeeding is getting trickier after a couple of weeks and it turns out that they were previously resting baby on their arms and THEN their arms were resting on their baby belly. When their belly started to go, their arms were doing more work and they started to get more tired.
If you find yourself loving your cushion at home, the idea of breastfeeding without it seems terrifying. Well, if you want to put in a plastic bag under the pram and take it out with you, who cares? Do it!
But you may find that other chair is a different height anyway? Perhaps it doesn’t work quite the same with your cushion? You may want to rethink. You could improvise with a rolled up jacket or even your change bag but I would try and develop a position where the baby’s weight is supported by your torso and not a cushion nor just your arms.
Have a look at Nancy Mohrbacher’s resources on Natural Breastfeeding. If you lean back a bit, a baby can be supported securely against your body and cushions and all the rest of it doesn’t matter. You don’t even need to do it in a sofa (though coffee shops are good at those). You can slouch in quite an upright chair but scooting your bottom forward and putting your leg out in front of you to support you.
Truthfully, the position you use in the corner café might not be super perfect. It might just be good enough.
It might seem tempting to take a bottle when you go out. Now that we have super dooper breast pumps and the bottles that ALL claim to be just like breastfeeding, that might seem appealing but it’s not quite so straightforward.
First off, if you are getting to grips with breastfeeding, let’s not give a baby a masterclass in bad latching. That bottle may claim to be like breastfeeding but which bit of breastfeeding did they pick? The tongue position? The need to elicit a letdown before milk starts to really flow? The way the milk gets gradually thicker and the letdowns come and go? The wide gape? Two of those if you are lucky. Some babies transfer between breast and bottle just fine but if you haven’t yet sorted your latch, it might be wise to hold off.
The other crucial thing is that even if your baby’s latch is fine and a bottle is less of a risk, even if you can easily transport breastmilk outside the home (and it is easy), what’s going to happen to your breasts if you don’t use them? In the early days, we’re going to be more sensitive to signals that reduce our milk supply if we go for several hours without removing milk. When our breasts become full and engorged, that sends messages to reduce production. We’re also vulnerable to getting blocked ducts and even developing mastitis. So realistically, you might have to pump around the same time you give your baby a bottle. I have yet to find someone who considers pumping milk in public to be easier (though plenty of exclusively pumping mums find a way to make it work).
We also need to bear in mind that for a breastfeeding baby, breastfeeding isn’t just about the milk. When you are out in the big wide world and you are very small and everything else seems very loud and big (and smells of coffee) being attached to mummy also brings calm and contentment.
And all of this is about your baby. They can‘t stand up for themselves. They can’t write a rude comment on that article when someone makes a stupid comment about public breastfeeding. They can’t shout at the television when a daft celebrity makes a lazy statement. What would they say to you? What would they say when you were feeling nervous?
I doubt they would want you to feel stuck at home. They want to see the world too. They would want you to leave the house whenever you wanted to. But also not to feel that you HAD to.
And they might thank you for helping to create a world where other women feel able to breastfeed in public. Every time you breastfeed outside the home, you make someone else feel that little bit better and normalise it for the next generation – for the little girl who may not have her own baby until 2040 and might not even remember that she saw you but it’s in her subconscious somewhere. For her partner who will support her. For the woman who is now going to breastfeed outside her home next week.